Humor Quotes

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.

The last time I took advice, it only worked because I changed it.

Experience is a hard teacher. It gives the test first and then the lesson.

“Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance.”

The ticket said “scratch to win.” I’ve been scratching myself for hours and I still haven’t won anything!

Actions speak louder than words, but not as often.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

The only thing harder than breaking a bad habit, is refraining from telling people how you did it.

You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.