Humor Quotes

I tried to call you the other day from a pay phone, but I put in my donor card instead of my calling card. It cost me an arm and a leg.

The sentence below is true. The sentence above is false.

“When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute – I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.”

“Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.”

My Mom always told me to wear clean underwear in case you have an accident. But if you have an accident, your underwear won’t be very clean, will it?

I put all my money into taxes. That’s the only thing that’s sure to go up.

Birds of a feather flock together – and aim for your car.

If you travel alone into desolate places, always bring a deck of cards. If you get lost you need only start playing Solitaire. Someone will inevitably come up behind you and say, “Put that red nine on the black ten!”

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there’s a decimal point involved.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t get this joke.