Humor Quotes

Age is an awfully high price to pay for maturity.

If I use up all my sick days, do I need to call in dead?

I wrestled with my conscience once, but everyone knew I was faking it. Oddly enough, they watched anyway.

Life is like photography…we use the negatives to develop.

A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at him.

I’ve decided to stop beating around the bush. I’m going to move on to the ornamental shrubbery.

Bald spot? No, that’s a solar panel for brain power.

“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.; give a man a stick of dynamite and soon the whole village will be strewn with mud, seaweed, and unidentifiable chunks of fish.”

“Last week, the temperature was in the 20s and yesterday it got up to 45 degrees. It’s crazy, I keep having to change my outfit and my position on global warming.” Jimmy Fallon

A computer DOES save time at work. Now I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.