Humor Quotes

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

“A company is now making a cell phone that allows you to talk to your dog. It enables you to talk to your dog. The way it works is that first you have to be insane.” Dave Letterman

“Today, President Obama canceled the White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids will be on the White House lawn drilling for oil.” Jay Leno

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Other just rinse and spit.

“Another blizzard in New York. I saw a cop yesterday and he was up to his neck in snow. I said, ‘Wow, you’re having a rough day.’ He said, ‘Yeah, it’s even rougher on my horse.’”

I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world’s smallest violin – everybody just thinks he’s being sarcastic.

She had her face lifted, but it turned out there was one just like it underneath.

Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.

How come it takes more brains and effort to fill out the income-tax form than it does to earn the income?

If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.