Humor Quotes

When you’re tempted to fight fire with fire, remember: The fire department uses water.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

If voting could really change things, Parlement would make it illegal.

The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.

Sometimes I use words I don’t understand so I will sound more photosynthesis.

We have to believe in free will. We have no choice.

I’m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.”

Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.

The nice thing about cold weather is that you immediately know if you’ve walked outside with your fly unzipped.

This year I’m using big words to sound smart…Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence.