Dog Food / Sick of Preaching / Nope

Dog Food

“Vernon, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy. “My dog ate it,” was his solemn response. “Vernon, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that story?” “It’s true, Miss Martin, believe me,” insisted the boy. “I had to force him, but he ate it!” 

Sick of Preaching

I had a pastor friend who went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a pair of new bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn’t work so well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them. He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing problems, then said, ” I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses. You see when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me sick.”

Nope

“I suppose,” snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, “that when you’re discharged from the Army, you’ll wait for me to die just so you can spit on my grave.” “Not me,” observed the private. “When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again.”