Humor Quotes

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”

“I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.“

Until I was 13, I thought my name was ‘Shut Up.’

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. Elayne Boosler

The tiger can’t change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!