Humor Quotes

The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate.

If I can quote lines out of the Bible, would I be well-versed in it?

A job interviewer asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I said, “Ideally, suspended with pay.”

There’s no point in burying a hatchet if you’re going to put up a marker on the site.

“Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, un-married with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison.

Sure, it’s the thought that counts, but couldn’t people think a little bigger?

“Walt Disney Theme Parks have started giving visually impaired visitors a hand-held device that describes the attractions they are seeing. Apparently it’s a tape- recorder that keeps repeating, ‘You are standing in a line of 300 people.’”

“A family in Brooklyn found a boa constrictor in their couch. They were beginning to get suspicious because they were the only apartment in New York that didn’t have rats.”

“By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.”

I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days attack me at once.