Humor Quotes

Where am I going and why am I in this hand basket?

Never buy an appliance from a man on the street who’s out of breath.

Honk if you love Jesus! SMS while driving if you want to meet Him.

“Among the English language’s many puzzling words is ‘economy’ which means the large size in toothpaste and the small size in automobiles.”

“The reason a dog makes so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.”

“If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.”

“NASA launched a missile at the moon to determine if there’s water. Well, they found about 25 gallons – 25 gallons! The project cost $79 million. You thought bottled water was expensive.” David Letterman

After giving birth, I quit my job. The exit questionnaire asked, “What steps would have prevented you from leaving?” My answer: “Birth control.”

“The human brain is a wonderful thing: it starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.”

I know there’s no way to do that – but if there WERE a way, what would it be?