Jesus’s Grandmother
The little boy came home from his first day at Sunday School. He told his mother that his Sunday school teacher was Jesus’ granny.
“How did you reach that conclusion?” his mother asked.
“Well, she never stops talking about Jesus,” he replied.
Education
“So, how are you getting along with your gorgeous new girlfriend?”
“Not so good. I asked her whether she could learn to love me.”
“Yeah — and?”
“She asked how much I was willing to spend on her education.”
BOB HOPE classics!
ON TURNING 90
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
ON TURNING 100
“I don’t feel old. In fact I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
“I ruined my hands in the ring … the referee kept stepping on them.”
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
“Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover.'”
ON GOLF
“Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.”
ON PRESIDENTS
“I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.”
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOW BIZ FOR HIS CAREER
“When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, ‘Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham’.”
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
“I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.”
ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY
“Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.”
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
“That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.”
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
“I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.”
