A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A Simple Operation

A man was fleeing down the hospital hall just before his operation. An orderly stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”

“I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation. Don’t worry. I’m sure it will be all right.'”

“She was just trying to comfort you.”

“That’s why I’m frightened. She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to my surgeon.”

The Lift

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The porter looked a bit confused, but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. “You must mean the lift.”

“No, if I ask for the elevator, I mean the elevator.”

“Well, over here, we call them lifts.”

“Now, you listen here. Someone in America invented the elevator.”

“Oh, right you are, sir. But someone here in England invented the language.”

“Nice Boyfriend”

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”

“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
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