The optimist says the glass is half full, the pessimist says the glass is half empty, and the engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
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How do you know you’ve met a good tax accountant? He has a loophole named after him.
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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
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The closest to perfection anyone ever comes is when he or she fills out a job application form.”