“Candidate Test”

After 50 years preaching from the same pulpit, a much loved pastor decided to retire. Because the church building was classically elegant, the manse spacious and comfortable and the congregation large and generous, applications poured in. The board of elders was faced with the daunting task of sifting through the resumes to find a replacement. One night the board president voiced his concerns at home. His computer savvy son said, “Don’t worry Dad, I can create a program to help you.”

The next week the son showed up with his laptop and demonstrated his program for the board. “The program takes everything into account from the number of Scripture verses the preacher uses, to the length of the sermon, to the number of hesitations he uses, and to the congregation reaction. Then it is all compiled into one easy-to-read graph here on the screen.”

The board agreed that the program might be able to save them a lot of work and decided to try it.

The next week the first candidate was scheduled to preach. The son set up the computer, a microphone and several cameras in the church. The elders observed that the preaching was a a bit lackluster and that several congregants had nodded off, but decided to wait until they saw what the computer said.

After the service, they asked the son, “So how did he rate?”

The young man replied, “He was a 5 on the rector scale.”

“Picture Menu”

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated “Picture Menu Available”.

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn’t read and they used that. Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic,

“Well, it says so on the sign, doesn’t it?”

The Elderly Golfer

Arthur is 90-years-old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day, he arrives home looking downcast.

“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can’t even see where it goes.”

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try?”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”

“He may be a hundred and three,” says his wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and asks, “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” replied the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight!”

“Where did it go?” says Arthur.

“I don’t remember.”

Medical Condition

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: “This man has pholenfrometry.”

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

“This man,” he said, translating for her, “has fallen from a tree.”

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