Marriage
One lazy Saturday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, “When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other jerk using my stuff.”
She looked at me intently and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another jerk?”
Self-Righteous Perceptions
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.
The nonsmoker says, “Sir, I couldn’t help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?”
“Four.”
“How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“That’s over six thousand packs. Why, if you didn’t smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building.”
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, “Do you smoke?”
“Never.”
“Do you own this building?”
“No.”
“Well, I do.”
Forms
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:”, I always put “A doctor.”
Tub Baptism
A friend of mine took her four-year-old daughter to a baptismal service at her church. Later that night, her daughter took all of her dolls into the bathtub with her and held her own “baptism.”
As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, “Now I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and hold your nose.”
