Points system
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”
“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her and loved her deep in my heart.”
“That’s wonderful,” says St.Peter, “that’s worth two points.”
“Two points!?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”
“Terrific!” says St.Peter. “That”s certainly worth a point.”
“One point!?!! Well, I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”
“Fantastic, that”s good for two more points,” he says.
“Two points!?!! Exasperated, the man cries, “At this rate the only way I’ll get into heaven is by the grace of God.”
“Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!”
Garbage
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn’t find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.
Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, “Hey you, what are you doing?”
“I have to throw this away,” replied the tourist.
“You can’t throw it away here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the cop, “dump all the garbage you want.”
The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.
“Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?” asked the tourist.
“No. This is the American Embassy.”