“Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.”

The ticket said "scratch to win." I've been scratching myself for hours and I still haven't won anything!

Actions speak louder than words, but not as often.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

The only thing harder than breaking a bad habit, is refraining from telling people how you did it.

You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.