I don’t know how to act my age. I've never been this age before.

The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.

One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.

Eventually you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.

The last time I took advice, it only worked because I changed it.

Experience is a hard teacher. It gives the test first and then the lesson.