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Household Repairs

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Candy Bars

A middle-aged man was waiting for the bus. While he waited, he watched a young boy eat five candy bars, one right after the other.

He said to the boy, "Eating all that candy is bad for your health and can rot your teeth."

The boy replied, "Mister, my grandfather lived to be 97 years old!"

The man said, "I'll bet he didn't eat five candy bars in a row."

The boy answered, "No, but he sure knew how to mind his own business!"

Weird Dreams

A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I always have this weird dream at night. I'm locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won't budge."

The psychiatrist muses, "Interesting...But tell me what does the sign on the door say?"

The guy replies, "It says 'Pull.'"