040712

Rolls-Royce Loaner

When I arrived at a friend's home for a party, my old rattletrap looked pretty shabby parked next to all the fancy new vehicles there.

I announced to the other guests that they'd have to excuse my transport, but my gardener had requested my Rolls-Royce for a special occasion and so we had traded cars for the day. Another partygoer said that he, too, had switched cars. He said he had loaned his Rolls to a friend who wanted to impress a new girlfriend.

Everyone laughed, and I felt rather pleased with my little joke, until a few days later when I drove past the same man.

He was driving a Rolls-Royce.

Thrown Off Horse

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.

The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but I was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse just wouldn't stop or slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the arcade manager saved the day and unplugged the ride.

Aunt Karen

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"

"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good grief," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"