Kill The Umpire
During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the umpire. No matter what happened on the field, she constantly yelled, "Kill the umpire!"
This went on for an hour.
"Lady," a nearby fan finally yelled out, "the umpire hasn't done anything wrong."
"Hey," she shouted back, "how would you know that? That's my husband, not yours!"
Making Up For Lost Time
An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on-time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared, and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country, he was told to turn due south. Knowing that this turn would throw him further behind schedule, with some agitation he inquired to the controller about the reason for the turn off course.
The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look, buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over six miles above the earth!"
The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747s collide!"
The little old lady
Rachel asked her mom for R 10 to give to a little old lady in the park. Kathy, impressed by her daughters's kindness, gave her the dollar.
"There you are Rachel," said Kathy. "But, tell me, isn't the little lady able to work any more?
"She sells sweets" was Rachel's reply.