Attending a funeral
A Marine Corps drill instructor had just chewed out a new recruit. At the end of his rant, he said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The kid said, "Not me, sir. I promised myself that when I got out of the Marines, I'd never stand in another line."
2nd Grade Math
I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.
But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."
An older couple was perfectly healthy, but they had problems remembering things. Their doctor recommended that they make written notes to help them remember. So one night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She: "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
She: "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He: "No, I can remember."
She: "Please put some strawberries on it. You better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget."
He: "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She: "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
He: "No, I don't need to write it down! I can remember!"
Fuming, he went into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."