"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty.
He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe.
A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell."
There was a typo on a test I was taking. Instead of "(D) none of the above," it said "(D) one of the above."
So I circled it.
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player.
Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a few days later to see how she was managing.
"Fine. I listened to Shania Twain this morning," she said.
"The whole CD?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "just one side."
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night-time exercises.
Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school.
He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation.
"Scared, lieutenant?" I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference?"
He replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education."