911 Caller: "Help! My wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart!"
911 Operator: "Is this her first child?"
911 Caller: "Of course not, you baboon! This is her husband!"
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny. But she couldn't have been right - everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken - pork and beef and fish too.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?
The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"
"English and theater," I responded.
"I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.
"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."
When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.
Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.
"Why don't you ever wear your ring?" I asked.
"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.
"I know," I said. "It's supposed to."