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Ask and ye shall receive

receive A number of years ago, we had a rather pompous pastor. One Sunday morning when he called for the offertory, he folded his hands across his chest and intoned, "Ask and ye shall receive; seek and ye shall find; knock and it will be opened unto you."

Then he spread his arms wide and called, "Therefore...come unto the Lord all ye askers, seekers and knockers."

Navy phrases

Jim was just out of Navy boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary."

The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck, that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttle-butt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I till throw you out of that little round window over there."

Who's first?

An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office.

"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"