190809Doctor Quotes

The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from the toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Shopping On Up

In an upscale department store, every night at closing time one of our customer-service representatives reminds shoppers over the public address system to finish their shopping.

One evening, a woman who had recently worked at K-mart opened the announcement by saying,

"Attention K-mart shoppers..."

Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding,

"...you are in the wrong store."

Car Trip

Friends took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada.

To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by calling out road signs.

He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec.

When he awoke he saw the French highway signs and said in a worried tone,

"I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep."