"I had a muscle twitching yesterday - that's the most exercise I've had in years."
After a lady's car had leaked motor oil on her driveway, she bought a large sack of cat litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag.
The clerk remembered her and said, "Lady, if that were my cat, I'd put him outside!"
"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."
"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered. "First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.
"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"
The following was overheard at a recent high society party...
"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady. She then turned to a second woman and asked, "How far does your family go back?"
"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in the flood."