Buy her diamonds
"It's my wife's birthday tomorrow."
"What are you getting her?"
"Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."
"Her exact words were, 'Oh, I don't know. Just give me something with diamonds in it.'"
I bought her a deck of cards."
Nut go to Heaven
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Jones. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell--the nut has gone to heaven.
A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get.
The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?"
The mechanic nods, confused
"Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?"
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?"
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that already!" says the boss."