"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend, Morris, came to visit him.
Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife, Sadie, visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?" asks Morris.
"My life insurance policy."
No, Thank You
While working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old, Lizzie, her shot.
"No! No! No!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you! No, thank you! No, thank you!"
An old lady, a young woman, and Englishman, and an Irishman are traveling in the compartment of a train together across the British countryside.
Each of the four of them is ignoring the other three. Suddenly, the train enters a tunnel, and the compartment is thrown into pitch blackness. Out of the darkness comes the sound of a kiss, then the sound of a slap.
When the train leaves the tunnel, the Englishman has a black eye. The old woman, thinks to herself, "What a fine young lady! She has good morals! And how self-possessed-look at that her sitting there acting as if nothing happened! The young woman is thinking to herself, "Why would the Irishman go for the old lady instead of me?" The Englishman is thinking to himself, "That Irishman is a clever fellow! He steals a kiss and I get slapped for it!" The Irishman is thinking to himself, "I'm a clever fellow! I kiss the back of my hand, slug an Englishman in the face, and get away with it!"