260514Fun Voicemail Messages

  • Hi. Now you say something.
  • Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
  • Hello. I'm around now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
  • I can't answer the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
  • Hi. I'm probably around, but I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
  • This is not voicemail. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
  • You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
  • Roses are red, Violets are cheap, Leave your message After the beep.

Motherly Help

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, girl?"

Short Landing

Van der Merwe’s airplane is coming in for a landing, and he is freaking out. The sweat is pouring down his face.

The plane lands and comes to a screeching halt.

He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the shortest runway I ever landed on."

The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so wide!"

Spring

Spring is in air.

I really have to stop trying to fix my own watch.

Self-Consciousness at the Gym

I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous.

However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look.

Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave. When I turned around, I realized that the gym's only wall clock had been hanging just inches above my head.