My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.
When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand. "Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."
The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."
My mother-in-law is not known for her driving skills. So it came as no surprise when she was in another accident a couple of months back. She came out of a side street and ran slam-bang into the town doctor's car.
"Oh Doc!" she exclaimed, "I'm so awfully sorry!"
"That's perfectly all right," he said, "It was all my fault."
"I don't know how you can say that. I'm sure it was entirely my fault."
"No, no, ma'am it was my fault. I'll take the entire blame."
"But why is it your fault? I ran into you, didn't I?"
"Yes, you did. But I saw you driving down-town half an hour ago, and I had plenty of time to take my car home and put it in the garage, but I didn't do it!"
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."