Missionary Toast

A missionary in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.  Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm toast."

A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT toast.  Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."

So the missionary picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the head of the chief, knocking him out.  He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief.

Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay...NOW you're toast!"

Ministry Frustrations

A new young minister got his first charge - a tiny church way out on the prairies. He traveled from the big city early to familiarize himself with the parish, and visited the church on Wednesday. It was dark and dreary inside, and remembering the suggestion that he find a cause to get the congregation working together, he got the bright idea that hey should raise funds to buy a chandelier to hang in the middle of the sanctuary, and spent the next three days preparing his sermon.

On Sunday morning he spent twenty minutes telling the congregation how great it would be to have a chandelier, He chandeliered this - and he chandeliered that, and finished his sermon with a big pitch for funds with which to buy a glorious chandelier that would mean so much to the people of this parish. He felt after all the handshakes, and seeing the families off that he had made a successful presentation.

After three weeks, having heard no feedback he stopped one of the elders on the way out and asked him the direct question. What are you going to do about the chandelier? Oh, we talked about that and decided against it - you see nobody around here knows how to spell that word - so even if we got one of them things - there's not a soul within a hundred miles who knows how to play one - and furthermore, what this church really needs is more lights.

Talking about work

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay," she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"