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Second Time

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.  The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs.  Smith, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?!  She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!  Have you, Lynda?"

Lynda says, "No mother!  I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.  About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.  I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Mind Reader

One day a young man was visiting the fair, over to one side was a small tent, with a sign that said "For R250 I'll teach you to be a mind reader!  Apply within."

So the young man thought that he'd give it a go, and went inside.  Behind a small table inside was an old man, who looked up when the young man entered and says, "Ah, you must be here for the mind reading lessons."

"Well, yes" the young man said.

"Well, follow me, and I'll give you your first lesson." Then the old man goes out the back of the tent and walks over to a hose, which he picks up one end of.  "Here, hold this hose."

"Why?" said the young man.

"It's part of the lesson," replies the old man, "Now, look in the end and tell me what you see."

So the young man looks into the end of the hose, and only sees darkness.  "I don't see anything," he tells the old man.

Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the hose shoots water into the young mans face, "I had a feeling you'd do something like that!" the young man shouts at the old man.

"You are now a mind reader!" the old man replies, "That'll be R250!."

Checking In

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column.

He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.

"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.

Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

"Brad, open the newspaper to page 31."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"

"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"

"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!"

"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"

"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."

"Why? What's that story on?"

"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.

Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"