"A Survivor"

"I've had laryngitis, tonsillitis, hepatitis, meningitis, appendicitis, tendinitis, and colitis. I've also suffered from gastritis, bronchitis, gingivitis, bursitis, and arthritis.

I've been held up, held down, hung up, strung up, stood-up, bulldozed, bloody-nosed, blackjacked, hijacked, squeezed, frisked, and mooched. Stuck with excess profits tax, personal property tax, utility tax, inheritance tax, sales tax, school tax, gasoline tax, income tax, excise tax, surtax, liberty bonds, savings bonds, a couple of bail bonds, and the bonds of matrimony.

I've helped the Red Cross, the White Cross, and often been double-crossed. Helped the Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, and a few Talent Scouts. Helped children's hospitals, mental hospitals, VA hospitals, spoke out for civil rights, women's rights, animal rights, men's relief, and stomach relief.

I have worked for a dog, and worked like a dog, and still lost all I had. I've been set aside, pushed aside, hit broadside, and had to sit outside. Demoted and misquoted. Walked on, jumped on, dumped on, rained on, snowed on, stomped on, spit on, cut on, and ratted on.

I've been put off, ran off, and ripped off. Intimidated, interrogated, berated, separated, and violated. I've been cussed, and discussed, boycotted, stunned, shunned, and shocked. Criticized, despised, ostracized, victimized, brutalized, capsized, analyzed, and ill-advised. Slapped, trapped, and wire-tapped. I've been used, abused, bruised, refused, confused, but never excused. Talked about, lied about, lied to, bawled out, chewed out, kicked out, knocked out, but never bailed out.

I've been assailed, derailed, and blackmailed. Scammed, slammed, burned, stung, stoned, robbed, cheated, booed, sued, misconstrued, and almost drowned.

And the only reason I'm sticking around is...???

I just want to see what's gonna happen next!"

Silly Lawsuits

You have probably heard about the lawsuit over a spilled cup of coffee. However, there are many other silly lawsuits involving products that have received far less attention.

For example:

A prescription of sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness

A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes"

A cartridge for a laser printer warns: "Do not eat toner"

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns: "Do not drive with sunshield in place"

A Bathroom Heater says: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms"

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes"

A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution - Risk of Fire"

A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.