Zero to 200
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.
His wife told him, "Tomorrow, there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in under 10 seconds."
The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.
"Excuse me," I said. "I can't hear."
"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation!"
My teenage niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."
She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left!"