Humor Quote

"Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish."

Mark Twain

Tell a man there are 300 million stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch it to make sure.

Inside every older person is a younger person… wondering what in the world happened.

Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon."

"Stay clear of those folks, Martha; if they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road."

Among the English language's many puzzling words is "economy," which means the large size in toothpaste and the small size in automobiles.

A smart man only believes half of what he hears. A wise man knows which half.

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey."

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small children."

Jonathan Katz

"I worry about my health because I grew up on the tail end of the baby boom generation, and we were just pumped full of chemicals. Every time they came up with a new one, it was like, 'Put it on cereal, keep it crunchy. Hey, put out the light, my teeth are glowing!' Now my whole generation is eating tree bark to clean ourselves out."

Jack Coen

Why should I learn algebra? I have no intention of ever going there

Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Military men should make ideal husbands -- they're in good health, they can cook, sew, and make beds, and they're already accustomed to taking orders.

"It was once said that if you took all of the people who fell asleep in church and laid them end-to-end they would be more comfortable."

Education is what you get when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.

Education is what you get when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.

There are only a few pretty children in the world and every mother has them.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."

The first rule of holes: If you're in one, stop digging.

I was having some chest pains, but my cardiologist assured me nothing was wrong. Then I told him I was planning a cruise to Madagascar and asked if he had any suggestions for avoiding the discomfort. "Have fun," he said with a straight face, "but don't go overboard."

During a recent company password audit, it was found that a certain employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouie-DeweyDonaldGoofy"

When asked why such a big password, the employee said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

"Archeologists in Egypt now say it's not true that the pyramids were built by slaves. They say the pyramids were built by paid workers. You know how they financed it? A pyramid scheme." Jay Leno

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.

Prayer of a soldier; "Oh, Lord, don't let nothin' get hold of me that you and me can't handle!"

At pilot's training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

"A company is now making a cell phone that allows you to talk to your dog. It enables you to talk to your dog. The way it works is that first you have to be insane."

Dave Letterman

Birthdays are good for you ... the more you have the longer you live.

"Today, President Obama canceled the White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids will be on the White House lawn drilling for oil."

Jay Leno

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