You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When..

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

You have to watch videos in fast-forward

You lick your coffee pot clean

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

You’re so wired you pick up FM radio

Instant coffee takes too long

You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

You sleep with your eyes open

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

You can jump-start your car without cables

You don’t sweat, you percolate

You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

She's dead, Jim!

Have you ever had one of those customer service calls where you find yourself saying things you don't believe?

This is so priceless....and so easy to see happening, given the state of customer service these days....

My Aunt passed away this past January. Her bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, but had now grown to somewhere around $60.00.

I placed the following phone call to the bank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank:"Do I think God... excuse me, what did you say?"

Me: "Do you understand what I was telling you... specifically the part about her being... dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she deceased in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew, but feel free to contact her lawyer at: XXX"

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure."

( Later, After they have gotten the fax. )

Bank: "Our system just isn't setup to handle this..."

Me: "Oh..."

Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Me: "Fredrickson Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 19 and plot number 233."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "Yes sir, that's what we do with our departed loved ones."